Bring back Barmy?

It has been mentioned that Barmy has gone missing. For two weeks now his calming and creative influence has been absent from Greenwich Market. How you must miss his cosy little chats on the correct way to suck eggs. How you must miss his arrogant confident strut and assertive clipboard tapping.

I say don't worry. The poor guy (as you were - that's his brother, who's also gone walkabout) must be burnt out after his huge expenditure of energy on the Thames Festival. He's probably just resting and he'll back among you soon.

Hold on though. It wouldn't be the first time a member of the Greenwich Market team had been "disappeared". Perhaps at this very moment Barmy is the unwilling recipient of a shafting at USM HQ. Perhaps he'll be sighted next at Elephant & Castle clutching a tube of Anusol.

Just in case, perhaps I should start a "bring back Barmy" campaign. What do you think?

Lost weekend

Well well well. Who would have thought the Thames Festival could have generated so much debate?

First off - to anyone who left the market for the weekend to do the Festival I say well done. You're running a business and you have to turn a profit. If anyone took a personal pop at you in my blog I have to say that's not fair. Unless you cravenly crawled up Barmy's arse to achieve your ends - but I'm sure nobody would do such a thing.

To Barmy I also say well done. You're in this market business to line your pockets and blow your own trumpet (and Eric's too no doubt) so sod Greenwich. As you've made crystal clear for the last four years, loyalty's for shlubs.

I think Barmy made a magnificent fist of the Thames Festival. Sure there were problems - arriving on the day to find he didn't have the right power couplings to light the stalls was inspired - but overall the idea of using another market's resources at someone else's expense to enable his own enterprise was brilliant.

What other manager of Greenwich Market would have thought of taking its manager (himself), its assistant manager, its stall erectors and half its regular traders away from Greenwich for a whole weekend. Genius.

So Greenwich Market was half empty and looked like shit, leaving half the visitors with such a bad impression that they won't come back again. So what? So Greenwich Hospital's profit-based rental income was nixed for a whole weekend. So what? So USM staff had to neglect other duties to fill in for the missing ones. So what? So the remaining market porters and Barmy's substitute manager had to erect and break down stalls for the missing stall erectors. So what? It was all for Barmy - be proud and bask in his reflected glory.

When Barmy's stand-in at Greenwich was asked "where's Barmy and Pat?" the reply was "on holiday". Can the dynamic duo really have been getting holiday pay from USM while trousering a fee from the Festival for neglecting their duties at Greenwich? Surely not.

Bravissimo Barmy! You're a complete prick - oh bugger this keyboard - I meant prince, of course.

Oliver: The barrowboy

Now, I'm as keen as anyone to uphold the wholesome traditions that made Britain great. I do tend to draw the line at vulgarities such as slavery, though.

I also draw the line at making little girls sell matches and flowers on the street, or making little boys scavenge loose cotton from beneath looms or sending them up chimneys. Who can forget those engravings of children as young as nine (as long ago as 1833 - yes, 1833 - the Whigs sought to outlaw the employment of children under nine) toiling underground pushing carts of coal from the face?

In his drive to revive Britain's glory days, GSM's great overseer, Barmy, brought back to us the sight of tiny children straining against burdens far bigger than themselves.

Who can forget seven-year-old Dodger manfully pushing trolleys laden with traders' goods to and from storage? Who can forget them toppling over on the bends while Dodger manfully struggled to keep them upright? Who can forget the tears on the poor kid's face when a trader forgot themselves and called the boy a clumsy arse for cocking-up a job he shouldn't have been doing?

Who can forget GSM turning a blind eye yet again?

Oliver: The Peacemaker

For quite a while, the proper complaints procedure has been to raise issues you may have with a fellow trader with the office first. If necessary, the manager can have a quiet, conciliatory, private word with the offending trader. A sensible, adult approach to defusing disputes before they start.

Which only works if the manager in question is also an adult...

A trader selling clothes was using stepped hanger bars which protruded from the top bar of the stall into the aisle. Another trader thought this narrowed the aisle affecting their trade and may have been a hazard to the public. They went to the office and told Barmy their concerns.

Minutes later Barmy's enforcer, the Dodger, arrived at the stall and told the trader to remove the bars immediately because Barmy "said so".

Jaws dropped.

Oliver: Thank heaven for little girls

There were so many events featuring Dodger that I nearly forgot to mention Rose. Rose was another of the market waifs and even younger than Dodger. Barmy often played with her, but didn't appoint her to the staff. Usually.

One Christmas, on a very busy day for casuals, there were only two traders remaining to be allocated. Unfortunately there was only one pitch left. As a mature market manager, the obvious thing to do would be to decide who should take the pitch based on logic, common sense, an evaluation of their goods and their contribution to the market over the past year.

Nobody was surprised, therefore, when Barmy turned to little Rose, squatted next to her, and asked her to choose which trader should get the pitch - and who should lose a day's earnings.

Naturally, her choice prevailed.

Diamond geezer

I think I speak for all when I say I'm absolutely delighted to see that Barmy isn't going to let himself be limited by a so-called "saturated" category.

I don't think anyone would argue that the most saturated is jewellery, with the number of traders rigorously capped for many years. Until recently, that is. Ever the bold and adventurous manager, Barmy has ripped up his own rule book for the benefit of the market.

Seeing clearly that the market is, in fact, afflicted by a severe shortage of jewellery, Barmy's main achievement this Friday was to set a new all-time record for jewellery stalls.

In the half of the market south of Durnford Street - the arts & crafts half on Fridays now - there were 20 jewellery traders occupying 27 out of 79 stalls. That's a magnificent 34% of the arts & crafts section devoted to one type of product. In one full-width aisle of 14 stalls, 6 were devoted to jewellery. In another of only 13 stalls, there were another 6 stalls of jewellery.

Well done Barmy. We salute you.

Handbags at dawn

I must seem very unoriginal these days, but here's another comment promoted to a new post - this time from "Fan of Dominique":-

Barmy personally gave Dominique a spot quite early on Saturday. She was placed in an aisle of eight stalls,three of which were jewellery stalls, one t-shirt stall & the 4 remaining did bags of one sort or another (including Dominique). The stall opposite her (a new trader - doing women's cloths & BAGS ) was given a spreadover ( he's so kind to the new young girls ). I bet Barmy chuckled to himself all the way back to the office. He sure knows how to dish out a really creative mixture of stalls -- I don't think so !! Pat at least gave Dominique a better position on Sunday. Barmy goes on & on about creative priority, creative this & creative that, but doesn't even have a single blip of creativity in his (miss) management of the market or how he dishes out the stalls. He just doesn't see the bigger picture, even though he carries around a copy on his clipboard ( as a security blanket )to make him feel important His creativity seems to be confined to how he repairs his battered ego & how he wreaks revenge.

What can one say? A common response to "trouble makers" is to swamp them with competition. I have other examples, which I'll post from time to time. In the meantime, let's see what happens to Dominique on Barmy's next shift.

Oliver: Reviewing the Situation

Everyone was familiar with the Dodger and his clipboard. Incurring Dodger's displeasure was something you would try hard to avoid, even if it meant treating the wee tyke as though he actually was a figure of authority. There was good reason for treating him that way - he reported back to his master.

An anonymous commenter shared their experience with us:-

When working on the market about a year ago, I came under the scrutiny of the young Dodger. He popped up in front of my stall when I was still setting up. With clip board in hand he cast his eye over my stall & uttered "rubbish", then ticked a box on his board. When I asked him what he was up to, he said that barny asked him to go round & see which stalls were good & which were rubbish. Later he came back to tell me that I should put up my company name sign. At the time I just laughed it off. I'm sure this kid was having great fun doing Barny's bidding, but this should not be, as the market can be a dangerous place for an unaccompanied six year old.

Your eyes did not deceive you. Traders' displays were being critiqued by someone whose cultural horizons were defined by Spongebob, Lego and cheese string, and whose ideal retail experience was Toys R Us. And Dodger was copying him.

Oliver's choice

O happy day. You're a casual trader. It's coming up to Christmas and there just aren't enough pitches to go round. You're one of a few traders left at the end of allocation. You're not too worried about getting a pitch though. You've been coming to the market most days all year round. Loyalty has it's reward and you're sure Barmy will pick you.

Wait... What's this? Barmy's got young Dodger with him. Ah, it's alright. He's obviously brought the young spud along to show him how a professional market manager operates. Here we go - the moment of choice.

Barmy bends down to little Dodger, indicates you and your fellows, and asks the lad to choose who should stay and who should go. Dodger points at one trader, then another, then another. But not you. You're not one of the favoured. You're going home.

Bungled

Has anyone noticed that since the introduction of the weekday food court, arts and crafts traders are being pushed out. There's a huge, mainly empty, space for the food which used to accommodate non-food traders.

They have to go somewhere (in the case of Colin last Friday, home) so Barmy has been putting up stalls along Durnford Street. Now I remember ages ago asking Bill why he never had stalls in Durnford Street when the weekday market was busy. According to him, GSM's lease forbids the erection of stalls beyond the canopy (and of course the office doorways have to be left clear) on weekdays. That makes sense as the office tenants need free access to their buildings and car park.

I don't know if Barmy thought the conditions of the lease don't apply to anything he wants to do. I do know that on Friday he started to put the stalls out again - and shortly after took them all down even though traders were waiting for them. I reckon someone from NBRE or the Hospital yanked his chain. Anyone know?

Oliver: I'd Do Anything

First let me say I know this sounds far-fetched. If I hadn't seen this myself I would be highly sceptical on hearing it third-hand. It's true.

Imagine you're Barmy. Allocating pitches took you the usual exhausting hour or two. You've had a hard day in the market office with Dodger raking in the rents. Dealing with all those pesky traders moaning about the toilets backing up, about the power going off for the tenth time today and about their stock being nicked from storage again is wearing you down. You're tired of traders still not getting the priority system, no matter how many times you explain it. Now you have to trudge around to visit all the traders who haven't brought their rent in yet. No, wait. There is an alternative.

It's no good. I just can't think like Barmy. What in the name of whatever he believes in possessed him to delegate this job to the boy Dodger. Barmy sat in the office while he sent a child, someone else's child at that, out into the market to collect rents, an act so mind-bogglingly irresponsible, reckless and plain stupid that it beggars belief. What Barmy expected Dodger to do if someone wanted to take the money away I can't imagine. Perhaps I'm ill-informed and the lad was schooled in martial arts (Barmy's something of an expert, we're told) so GSMs bag of sovereigns was quite safe from the local footpads.

Nobody witnessing this could possibly have thought it right, least of all those having their rent collected. That no-one refused to pay or spoke up about this at the time (even Dodger's parents) shows what a climate of fear Barmy's regime brought about.

Oliver: As Long As He Needs Me

Thankfully, collecting rents in the market office while traders lost business was just a blip (see Oliver: rent boy?).

Most of the time Barmy operated the policy of other managers and collected the rent from the traders at their stalls. Where Barmy differed from his predecessors was in his choice of security assistance. Collecting the rent has always carried a little risk and a wise manager takes along some muscle for backup. In the past, someone like George or Anson would be on hand to look intimidating and carry the cash.

So who did Barmy choose to protect GSM's money? Step forward the fearsome Dodger. Whenever Barmy went on his rounds to collect rents, Dodger was there - moneybag at the ready. I think it was a brilliant tactic. What self-respecting armed robber would ever believe that the thick end of five grand was being held by a six-year-old?

A chip off the old block

As I noted before Barmy's big brother, well, small brother, is among you. So far it seems that Guy, for so he is named, has some of Barmy's qualities - but with a refreshing twist.

Guido has already been overheard being bollocked for monkeying around with a refreshing disregard for health and safety (only his own thus far, so no problemo). In this regard he differs greatly from his bro' who bleats on endlessly about health and safety while allowing everyone else to be at risk. (You just know I'm going to do a post about that, don't you?)

Well, now Guido has displayed another of his sibling's hallmarks: making traders cry. After a few moments with the chap while setting out her stall, a female trader was in floods of tears which took some time to control. This has been a regular feature of Barmy's reign and to find his bullying tactics being duplicated is disturbing.

However, as I implied, there is a difference. Guido apologised! For his sake I hope Barmy didn't see this sign of weakness or Guido will be banished to Elephant and Castle before you can say shafted.

Oliver: rent boy?

One of Barmy's subsequently aborted experiments was the gathering of rents in the office. Rather than tour the market going from stall to stall to collect rent from traders, Barmy expected them to leave their stalls unattended to go and queue outside the office waiting their turn to pay.

I'm with Barmy of course. Having to leave your nice warm office to save the peasants being obliged to desert stock and possible customers to cough up the cash is unacceptable. I doubt if the traders saw it that way, so may have been less than pleased to then wait to assist in an arithmetic lesson.

Once admitted to Barmy's sanctum, they would be faced with having to pay their fees to his rent boy. The boy Dodger would collect the rent, work out how much change to give, under Barmy's tutelage, and write a receipt.

I trust the entire market appreciated the opportunity to contribute to the lad's education.

Oliver's army

In the days of Oliver's army Barmy would seldom be found without his sidekick, Dodger. Like Dr. Evil and Mini-Me, they seemed ideal companions, spending hours sequestered together in the privacy of the market office or strolling the market aisles spreading goodwill and reassurance. As time passed and with his seventh birthday fast approaching, Dodger was given more responsibility and sent out into the market on his own.

Barmy equipped his tiny assistant manager with his own walkie-talkie on the market circuit so he could be in constant contact with his master. Sometimes seen in his official day-glo market staff tabard, it was always reassuring to know that in the event of trouble, the plucky four-footer was ready to leap into action.

Oh how safe everyone felt in those days.

Hands up

How refreshing to see that GSM have put their hands up and agreed to compensate Yok for her losses (see "It's a fair cop").

Actually she saw Barmy on Friday to press her case with him. As you would expect he denied all liability. Apparently none of it was GSM's fault and Yok couldn't expect compensation anyway as GSM weren't insured for this sort of thing. Every time Yok tried to explain why she thought she should be compensated, Barmy shouted her down with "Yok, you're not listening to me". No Barmy, you're the one who wasn't listening. Or thinking.

As I mentioned in a comment on my previous post, this is far from the first time GSM have stuffed up and lost or damaged a trader's gear or caused an injury to someone. They always claim that it's not their fault, there's no insurance, so suck it up. No. If something in GSM's care is stolen or damaged, or you're injured, and it's not your fault, don't accept GSM's line. Remember, they should compensate you - if they can't recover their loss through having no insurance, that's their problem. If need be, consult a solicitor.

That's what Yok did. For once Barmy picked on the wrong helpless frail woman. Her husband, a solicitor, paid Barmy a visit on Friday. I don't know what he said, but I understand GSM have seen the error of their ways and agreed to cough up.

If they don't pay out, victimise Yok, or otherwise act like bastards in this issue, I'll let you know.

Oliver Twisted

What if I told you that until recently a market manager delegated some of his duties to a boy of six to seven years of age (it went on so long he had a birthday)? What if that boy was given responsibility way beyond his years? What if the lad inspired unease in traders and staff? What if an even younger girl was given power over traders' livelihoods? Now I'd have to be making all that up, right?

What happened was not the children's fault and I am not using their real names. I shall call the boy Dodger and the girl Rose. I shall call the market manager Barmy.

All that follows in the "Oliver" posts is true.

Oh Brother

Is it just me, or is the sudden appearance of Barmy's brother a bit weird. I'm not talking about his looks, clearly the Crockford's midwife didn't have enough ugly dust for more that one application. No, it's the rather odd fact that nobody's ever seen this bloke before - then Ben gets shifted sideways and <<poof>> here's Guy. Magic.

I feel rather sorry for him really, one minute he's chucking another prawn on the barbie and the next he's up to his eyeballs in wallaby droppings. Time will tell if he's been gifted with enough of the family's sandwiches to make up a full picnic.